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Shiva Brings Support to the Grieving

A Community Gathers

Shiva is the Jewish period of mourning. It is a time when the bereaved stay at home to focus on their grief and begin the healing process. While the family is “sitting Shiva” they receive visitors—friends, family and community members who share memories and prayers, and provide. It is this outpouring of warmth, care and strength that plays a key role in helping the bereaved through the process of grieving.
Shiva is traditionally observed for seven days, but some families choose to sit Shiva for one, two or three days. During Shiva hours, usually announced at the funeral, visitors are encouraged to drop in; no calling ahead is expected.

Shiva Gift Baskets—A Kind Gesture
Jewish custom discourages sending flowers or non-food items to anyone sitting Shiva. In fact, Shiva begins with seudat havra'ah, "the meal of consolation," prepared by family and neighbors. If you’re unable to make a personal visit, sending a kosher shiva gift basket or any kosher sympathy gift, is appropriate and helpful.

“Sending a kosher sympathy gift basket is a lovely and most appreciated gesture,” says Jane Moritz, owner of Kosher Gift Box. “I find that many people feel the need to send something immediately. But it’s important to remember that visitors come throughout and even after the Shiva period. Having food to share with family and guests is necessary for some time. It’s perfectly acceptable to have you’re kosher Shiva gift sent a little later.”

Since you may not know whether the family sitting Shiva keeps kosher, it is always better to err on the side of caution and choose a kosher sympathy gift basket. Kosher foods are just as wonderful, delicious and beautifully presented as non-kosher items. And the family or visitors who do keep kosher will certainly appreciate your thoughtfulness.

You’ll want to include an appropriate card with your kosher gift, and a simple message is best. Consider “With our heartfelt sympathy,” or “We are so sorry for your loss. You are in our thoughts,” or the most traditional, “May G-d comfort you among all mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

Making a Shiva Call
For many, sitting Shiva with another family can be difficult and uncomfortable. But Jewish customs are quite clear in describing proper etiquette and that helps alleviate awkward feelings. Most importantly, be a good listener and be as helpful as possible.

Upon your arrival, approach the mourners and sit quietly with them, possibly offering a hug or a handshake. Let the mourner begin the conversation. Some may not feel like talking at all, and sitting in silence is perfectly acceptable. You can also simply say, “I’m sorry,” and that can be enough. Just being there says it all—words are not always necessary when visiting those sitting Shiva.

It helps to remember that Shiva occurs during the most intense days of mourning. Those who have just lost a loved one will experience a range of powerful emotions, and that is an important part of the healing process. This is the perfect time to share stories, photos and cherished memories of the deceased. And if you don’t know what to say, remain silent.

Kindness Matters
If there is an opportunity to offer help, do so. If you see something that needs attention, take the initiative, when appropriate. You can run errands, pick-up visitors at the airport, host someone from out of town, cook, clean-up, or take care of children. Anything that eases the daily chores of those sitting Shiva becomes an immense help. It helps to think of a Shiva call as an act of kindness, not a burden. The visit does not have to be long. An hour or even less may be fine and you want to make sure you’re not tiring the family.

Expect different families to observe Shiva in various ways. It is traditional for mourners to have a tear in their clothing to symbolize their loss, they may sit on low stools or even on the floor to show the depth of their sadness. Some show a traditional disregard for vanity and personal comfort by maintaining only the most minimal standards of personal care, dressing simply and covering mirrors. In some homes, mourners will recite Kaddish, the mourner’s prayer, up to three times a day with a minyan, a group of 10 Jewish adults. At times it is difficult to gather a minyan, so visitors who participate are especially appreciated.

Further help

If you’re not sure how the family will be mourning, consult a close friend of the family or the Rabbi. Above all, know that it is more important to set aside any discomfort and focus on the fact that merely being present and showing concern provides a great degree of comfort and helps with the long process of healing. If being present is not possible, sending a kosher sympathy gift or sympathy card is perfectly acceptable.